January 31, 2012

It’s 3am and I’m UP!! WHY?? I went to sleep peacefully a lil before 1pm…no meds…trying to keep my system clear cuz i have to drive myself to my chemo appt at 9:30am…so don’t want to be droggy while i’m driving…BIG DISAPPOINTMENT in that i thought I was going to have a ride…but it didn’t really work out this time…praying future chemo appts will be better arranged so i won’t have to drive myself…it’s not that i can’t drive myself…it’s just that i prefer not too – ESPECIALLY if I’m still on these pain meds…plus I didn’t feel that GREAT afterwards last time…so prefer to have someone there with me…

Feeling VERY ALONE this time around…In Home Support not really in place like I feel it should be…don’t really have anyone I can RELY on to go with me to appts…some have offered…YET the truth of the matter is when it comes down to it…it’s easy for other things to come up which prevent and/or deter others from REALLY being committed to helping out…it made my heart happy to know BRY will be able to make some arrangements in the future with her job…praying it will all work out…thought today was going to be our first day together…but didn’t really work out since I wasn’t really feeling that great to drive to her house last night and she had a late meeting so she couldn’t pick me up…today would be a lot of driving coming to my house then COH then back to my house then to work in RIALTO – i could feel the stress in her voice when we were discussing it which made me uncomfortable cuz i don’t want to inconvenience anyone…one thing i’ve learned with offering to help me out  – particularly with DR. appts – is that there can’t be any time restraints cuz my days are so UNPREDICTABLE…appt times change and/or are prolonged…I may or may not be feeling good that day…so FLEXIBILITY is KEY…I know it’s going to work out…just a lil disheartening right now…but that’s not why i’m awake at 3am!!

I figure i’m awake so i can PRAY!! which i’ve been doing…and reading my WORD…i’m not the only one with challenges in this WORLD so I’m praying for other FOLK…we all need one another to pray for one another to help ward off the attacks coming our way daily…so i may not know SPECIFICALLY what I should be praying for for YOU, but GOD KNOWS so just know I’m calling out your name and lifting it up to GOD!! and IF there is something SPECIFICALLY you do want me to pray for, please let me know…it would be MY HONOR to pray for you…

Still have LOTS OF PAIN!! My ribs feel like they are fractured…painful every which way i turn…hence the pain meds – which i HATE to take…but finding it necessary last few days…praying for relief…SOON!! Feel like meds put me in a strange place – i don’t feel like myself…TODAY I AM PRESSING MY WAY THROUGH to remain POSITIVE, SPIRITED, LOVING, KIND, HUMBLE, GRATEFUL, PEACEFUL…last couple of days i haven’t felt that way…for the FIRST TIME I had a hard time making it to church on Sunday…I woke up in a lot of pain, very droggy, nauseated, didn’t feel good at all!! Had to PRAY HARD to get out of bed and force myself to go to church…SO TODAY I’m taking authority over that SPIRIT of whatever it is…I will NOT ALLOW MY CIRCUMSTANCE to take over me…I WILL FORCE THE WORD (of GOD) to take over my circumstance IJN!!

Feel a lil anxious cuz my funds are low…most pressing my STATE BAR DUES for my license as an attorney due tomorrow…I KNOW GOD IS GOING TO WORK IT ALL OUT so i’m trying not to stress and of course I can pay AFTER tomorrow, I just prefer NOT to pay an extra $100 bucks in late fees…so I’m CONFIDENT the LORD will PERFECT ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE CONCERNING ME!! Afterall…this is  BIG WEEK for me…so of course the enemy wants me to be down and worried so as to interfere with the EXCITEMENT that I FEEL about going to my FINAL judges training, the bookwriting/publishing seminar and the non-profit/grant writing conference…but I won’t let him win!! I’M STILL EXCITED!! and I’m soo looking forward to EVERYTHING!! Thank you for the opportunity LORD!!

YOLI has had some good days the last couple of days which makes me HAPPY!! She got out of bed, went outside, and even ate something…PRAISE THE LORD!! She is a FIGHTER!! and I’m soo PROUD of her!! And of course her MOM Ella is HAPPY because her baby is STILL FIGHTING!! So EVERYBODY is HAPPY!!

Well, another reason I may have been up at this time – besides Praying –  is because I had to call the airline VIRGIN AMERICA…they are so ghetto they close at a certain time and reopen at 3:30am…so I was able to finally get thru to them – after being on HOLD for almost 1hr the other day…I was scheduled to go back to NYC to visit my cousin during the winter to see if I could take the COLD, but now because of chemo I’m not able to go…I was actually scheduled to leave this fri feb 3rd…so i had to put the ticket on HOLD for now…I’m sure I’ll be using it again one day before this year is over…sadimnotgoingnow…:-(

OK…WELL ENOUGH OF THIS PITY PARTY!! Sadness, Depression, Worry, Despair, Self-Pity – ARE NOT the ATTIRE I choose to WEAR!!  I’m TOO FABULOUS for the DOOM-GLOOM…I’m SHAKING this OFF RIGHT NOW In The Name of JESUS!!  I HATE THIS FEELING!! It’s soooo NOT ME!!  This is the DAY the LORD has MADE and NO MATTER WHAT I will REJOICE and be GLAD in IT!! I will take myself to COH for my appt, I will FEEL GREAT and be able to make it there and BACK with no challenges!! I will KEEP a SMILE on my FACE TODAY and Share the LOVE of CHRIST with others…I will not be concerned about things I have no control over…and I WIL CONTINUE TO TRUST THE LORD WITH EVERYTHING THAT’S IN ME….

I love you all…and I PRAY TODAY is FABULOUS for you and you’re surrounded by the LOVE of the LORD!! and the FAVOR of the LORD!! and the PEACE of the LORD!! GOD BLESS YOU…

Love Cassie

 

 

 

 

 

January 28, 2012

Today was a PLEASANT DAY!! Another restful night of sleep…woke up early to visit YOLI…she was wide-eyed and bushy tail…and we had a good visit…She is surrounded by LOVE…I sat by her bedside reading from her book from the beginning…it was the first time she read the book as well as many in her family…so they were DELIGHTED as they sat attentively  around the room listening to every word…reminiscing about this JOURNEY YOLI has been on since 2006…my heart’s desire is that they REMEMBER the VICTORIES and that YOLI continues to FIGHT even in her gloomiest of days…it was VERY EMOTIONAL reading the book and I at one point began to cry and had to sit the book down for a moment to gain my composure…then start reading again…

None the Less…YOLI admitted for the FIRST TIME TODAY that she WANTS TO DIE…she doesn’t want to live another day LIKE THIS…she’s very uncomfortable with challenged breathing and fluid in her chest…she has no pain…yet she has oxygen 24hrs a day and breathing treatments every 4hrs…I can say from personal experiences…not being able to BREATH FREELY on your OWN takes you to a WHOLE OTHER REALM…it’s as if you will NEVER catch your breath…and you don’t want to move or talk so that you can STAY IN THAT COMFORT ZONE…so I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND where she’s at…and I RESPECT HER DECISION…When my mom reached this point before she passed and told me she just wanted to DIE…I fought her tooth and nail and begged and pleaded with her to CHANGE HER MIND….and I learned from that EXPERIENCE that YOU CANNOT VIOLATE a person’s SPIRIT…you have to acknowledge where they are and ACCEPT it and SUPPORT them…only they KNOW what they FEEL…so I ACCEPT WHATEVER YOLI wants…and I STAND IN AGREEMENT with her and line my PRAYERS UP WITH the desires of her HEART IJN…I LOVE YOU YOLI…YOU ARE A TRUE CHAMPION!!

YOLI and I have similiar experiences in this FIGHT as far as diagnosis, prognosis and treatment…so I’m actually learning a LOT from her BOOK and adjusting my course accordingly so I don’t have to repeat certain scenarios. Thank you YOLI for that…

As for me…TODAY I’m REALLY TIRED and in a LOT OF PAIN…I haven’t taken my pain meds for a few days cause I had some driving to do and I wanted to stay alert…it’s all about BALANCE…Praise GOD I have a high threshold for PAIN so I can take a lot…but right at this moment, I need meds…so I will take them and go back to sleep so I can rest comfortably and be ready for church tomorrow…

I had a wonderful visit with my good friend CINDY today…THANK YOU!! and a wonderful conversation with another friend SHERYL…it was GREAT to catch up with you and I’m soo happy for you…I’m sharing with those close to me and just in my life in any capacity that if I ever get to YOLI’s stage I will not be allowing visitors to come around and just stare at me wanting to do something but can’t cause there is nothing really to do at that point but patiently wait for a TURNAROUND or the TRANSITION to HEAVEN…SO If you want to spend time with me…NOW is the TIME!! Some people YOLI hasn’t seen for years…so everyone is trying to bumrush her…and when you’re at this point the “bumrush” can be OVERWHELMING…so I prefer to be in peace at that stage…PLEASE UNDERSTAND and make a conscious effort to spend QUALITY TIME with me NOW – IF I mean something to you…IF NOT, no pressure I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND…I just prefer and have chosen NOT to allow anyone to make peace within themselves because of their guilt of not spending time with me NOW at the END at my EXPENSE…thanks for respecting that…

I have NO INTENTIONS of being at YOLI’s stage ANY TIME SOON!! so I’m just saying…when that time comes…MANY MANY MANY YEARS down the line…I DESIRE TO LIVE!! I’M NOT TIRED!! and I DON’T WANT TO DIE!! so PLEASE line your prayers up accordingly to match the desires of my HEART and stand in agreement with me…IF by some chance I get tired and don’t want to FIGHT anymore…I will let you know…BUT FOR NOW!! I’M FIGHTING MY BUTT OFF!!

A BIG SHOUT out to ALL the TNT Marathon Runners fighting for and running for Leukemia and Lymphoma this weekend…I SO GREATLY APPRECIATE YOU and LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!! THANK YOU!!

Well….I will blog more…soon…going to turn in now and take my pain meds…PEACE and BLESSINGS to you all…and PLEASE PRAY FOR PEACE FOR YOLI…and her FAMILY!! THEY are a LOVING SUPPORTIVE BEAUTIFUL FAMILY and she is SOOO BLESSED and has TOUCHED so many PEOPLE’s LIVES…

I promised her TODAY I would continue to help her promote her book so she can contribute to the college fund of her 10mos old grandson PUDA…He is ADORABLE!! so PLEASE Support YOLI and purchase her book…”Angel Over My Shoulder My Journey Through Breast Cancer” by Yolanda “Yolie” Barrois…Thank you!!

Goodnight Family…Love you…

GRATEFULWARRIOR

GRATEFULWARRIOR

I WILL NOT LOSE THIS BATTLE AS THE BATTLE IS NOT MINE IT BELONGS TO THE LORD…I HAVE THE VICTORY IJN!!

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January 26, 2012

I’m a new blogger…looking to post my lastest journey as I fight for my life and focus on my treatments for cancer so I can call myself a SURVIVOR once and for all as I DEFEAT this EVIL FOE! IJN…

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